Overthinking x and x Kissing
by HanaKaicho
Summary: Gon is caught up in Killua's little subconscious reactions. He's pretended not to notice them but he can't pretend not to see them anymore. Originally on AO3 by me. Cover image is by xxlovelyrose95xx on tumblr. Thanks to Tails2.0 for bringing to my attention that the site put my fic through a formatting blender for some reason...


He pretended not to but Gon noticed how surprised and even uncomfortable Killua looked when Gon told his best friend how much he loved spending time with him.

He pretended not to but Gon noticed how Killua often recoiled after teasing someone when they turned to smile or laugh at him, as though he expected to be struck.

He pretended not to but Gon noticed how foreign kindness and positive responses to him were to Killua.

And because he pretended not to notice, he had to hide how angry it made him and how much it hurt him to watch.

He knew his best friend deserved everything good in the world. All the kindness and love Gon had to offer, all the loyalty and support, all the playful fights and gentle touches. Killua deserved it all.

So when they were alone, Gon lavished all those things on Killua as much as he could, every chance he got.

When it was just the two of them, generally things were better. Killua let down his guard more, didn't subconsciously shy away from Gon as much. But sometimes he still did and every time Gon would feel in his chest the pain one feels when they see their friends hurting. This would in turn blossom into more anger towards the neglectful and hurtful family Killua had had to endure and the circumstances that he had grown up with and even still suffered nightmares of. He felt contempt for the situation Killua had grown up with and frustration that he hadn't been able to protect Killua from it, even if that was because he hadn't known Killua back then and wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway, being as young as he was.

Once when they had been lounging together in bed, Killua flinched when Gon reached out to hold him and Gon stopped pretending not to see it and pulled back.

Killua made a noise of surprise and mild confusion. "What's the matter, Gon?" he asked, turning his head towards Gon. "Why did you pull away? Are you okay?"

"What about you, Killua?" Gon asked, sounding more pouty than he meant.

"Huh? What about me what?"

"Are you okay? Are you… Do I make you uncomfortable? Does it scare you when I do stuff like that?" Gon asked as he avoided looking Killua in the face.

" _Huh?_ " Killua sounded incredulous. He rolled over onto his side to look at Gon more directly and said, "When did I ever say that? What's going on in that weird, stupid head of yours?"

Gon hesitated, his brows pulling together in a troubled scowl. He wasn't good at expressing complicated things with his words and he knew this was important. He couldn't just say whatever first popped into his mind. If he said the wrong thing, he knew he could hurt Killua even more.

As the uncomfortable, tense silence wore on, Killua started looking concerned too. He propped himself up on one arm and said hesitantly, "He-hey now, don't go overthinking about things. You're freaking me out, making a face like that."

Gon rolled onto his back to look at the ceiling. He _was_ overthinking. But he had to say the right thing. He couldn't just-

"... Gon?"

Hearing his name from Killua's lips brought Gon back to the present. He turned his head to look at Killua whose face openly betrayed the anxiety blossoming in his chest.

Gon hefted a small sigh as he rolled over to face Killua again, snuggling up to the boy he loved who, though cautiously, wrapped his arms around Gon in return as Gon pressed the top of his head into Killua's chest.

"It's just…" Gon figured he had to say something. He hoped Killua would understand what he was trying to say, especially since between the two of them, the one with a more masterful vocabulary was Killua for sure. "Sometimes when I want to hug you, you flinch when I try and when I say nice things to you, you look upset. Not like you're mad at me but like I'm scaring you or something."

Gon could feel the tension build up in Killua's body as he said those things and though he couldn't see it, a pained grimace of realization was forming on Killua's face. At that moment, Gon regretted what he had said, feeling sure he had managed to say the wrong thing.

"I really love you, Killua, so I don't want to make you upset or make you feel bad or anything so… so if there's something that I'm doing wrong, I'll stop, okay?" Gon managed to finish.

Gon wished he could back out. For the first time he could remember, he wanted to run away from this. This conversation, this situation. He couldn't remember a time when he'd wanted to run from Killua but now he did, though he couldn't understand why.

Then, instead of tensing, Gon felt Killua squeezing him into a hug and he could feel Killua laughing like he did when he thought Gon was saying something ridiculous.

Killua pushed Gon away at the shoulders so he could look him in the face and show Gon the smile he had put on.

"You big dummy! You're being stupid. Like I'd ever be scared of you!" Killua scoffed, leaning his head in towards Gon as he forced out a laugh. "You're about a scary as a baby bunny."

Killua had expected this to make Gon feel better, or at least let the topic go, but instead, when he looked up, he saw the scowl from before deepening.

"You're not taking me seriously!" Gon complained. "I'm trying to be serious and you're making fun of me."

Gon didn't cry but he looked like he wanted to when Killua watched his face. Killua had hoped this conversation would never happen. He thought Gon had never noticed and somehow, knowing he had just been pretending not to this whole time made it even worse. Had he pretended not to see for Killua's sake?

"I'm sorry, Gon," Killua started. "It probably freaks you out a lot when I do that, right?"

Gon nodded.

"But you know it's not really because of you, right?"

"That's what makes me so upset!" Gon blurted out. "Since it's not because of me, I can't even fix it!"

Gon started to shake slightly and his voice lowered when he said, "I just want to make you better."

Now it was Killua's turn to be lost in a vortex of thought.

He was pretty sure he hadn't seen Gon this upset since Kite, which was probably the painful memory that now caused Gon's breaths to catch in his throat. These facts were all at once scary, flattering, and upsetting. Scary for the cutting words and horrible events he remembered following that incident, flattering that he meant that much to Gon, and upsetting because seeing Gon in pain at all was hard but at this level it was torture.

But Gon didn't blame him. Gon wasn't angry with him or lashing out at him like before. He didn't even seem to feel like Killua was the source of the pain he felt, even though Killua thought that to be pretty obviously the case. If Gon hadn't ever met him, he wouldn't be hurting like this.

How many times had Gon gotten hurt on Killua's account?

As that threatened to cloud Killua's mind completely with self loathing, Killua's eyes found Gon's face and he realized the truth.

"Gon. Whenever Illumi's face and words start filling up my mind, the only thing that has ever brought me back to myself has been you," Killua said sincerely.

"And back then, when I was with my family, before… before I knew you, there wouldn't have been anything you could have done, Gon. If you had even tried, Illumi would have killed you," His stomach clenched sickeningly at the thought.

"What you do for me now, it's… it's…"

Killua realized he didn't have the words to express what he was feeling and even if he had, he doubted he could have said them. All he had just said already felt like too much. He felt exposed. It felt bad, dangerous, scary. And yet being vulnerable with Gon also felt kinda good. Somehow safe?

But now Gon's beautiful brown eyes were looking right at Killua, waiting for the end of the sentence that Killua didn't have so he decided to show Gon.

Killua rolled over on top of Gon, straddling his torso. "It's like this," he said as he bent down, threaded his fingers into Gon's hair and kissed him.

Into this kiss, Killua tried his best to pour all the things he felt with Gon, as if to offer some form of equivalent exchange for everything he had received. Every ounce of love he could muster, every iota of joy he had ever felt, every last bit of warmth.

When he pulled away, he was breathing heavily and Gon breathing was just as desperate, though a bright smile was tugging the corners of his lips.

Killua felt himself smile too and he leaned forward so that their foreheads touched.

"Get it, Gon?" Killua asked between breaths.

Gon let out a chuckle and said, "I think I need you to explain it again."

Killua closed his eyes and laughed too. "It's because you're such a dummy!" he said before they kissed each other again.

And again.

And again.


End file.
